Understanding

The third core goal includes the need to understand and be understood by others. This means that individuals seek to share meanings with others when it comes to interpreting situations (Swim & Thomas, 2006). Lack of shared meanings often results in discriminatory actions from dominant groups on the stigmatized to make them conform. Also, in other instances, individuals seek to have shared meanings with others and attempt to conform to the dominant meanings.

In this regard, our members report many situations that challenged this goal of understanding. Several of them explain that the social pressure to conform to the beauty images portrayed by the media often results in more weight gain. They explain that it pushes them to diet and lose weight, but regain even more weight once they stop dieting. They describe that the multiple failed attempts at dieting lead to a compulsive relationship with eating. Yet, their social environment misunderstands their struggle, despite their efforts. It still holds them liable for not losing weight. It perceives them as deserving the discriminatory treatment that they may get. The following reflection offered by Naomie, reveals this lack of

understanding by the media that discriminate against her normal weight. She explains how the environmental pressure to lose weight pushed her to develop eating disorders. VLR helped her self-accept by distancing her from dominant ideologies. Instead, she identified with the communal discourses that foster a better self-acceptance.

I am not obese, it’s true. I am the normal girl, 1m69 and 71 kg (yes, I know we don’t have the right to talk about our weight). I am the girl that is labeled as “curvy” in women’s magazines and that wears size 42.

The mainstream girl that has developed eating disorders since 9 years old because she thought she was fat and this was not acceptable.

The girl that never had real weight issue, but that had such a

catastrophic self-image that she convinced herself she was deformed.

That fell into anorexia/ bulimia nervosa to look like photoshopped models.

This poor sucker that had no self-confidence and that moaned when she wore size 36 because she had gained 100 grams.

Few years ago, I started being fed up of feeling this bad. I though that this limited my life perspectives. Also, I had acid reflux and low potassium. I decided to try a different approach.

I came across VLR 3 and a half years ago.

Since the start, it changed my perspective. I started to perceive my huge level of stupidity. I realized that I wallowed in my slump for invalid reasons. I realized that I was excessively self centered and narcissistic.

I wanted to change all this.

VLR did not do all the work of course. But it has always supported me when I felt down. Always put me back on the right track when I

started a dumb diet. Even if I do not post messages, I am here, I take a peak and it makes me feel good.

This website and all its active members have hugely contributed to my evolution.

Now I feel good. I find that life is beautiful. I love myself, and I love others. I am more open, more basic, and more authentic. Also, I listen to others. Plus, I know that I would never look like Kate Moss. And now, I thank heaven for that. I would never want to look like somebody other than myself. I am aware that my journey does not resemble somebody with morbid obesity. Although at some point I was extremely stupid, I still suffered. And maybe without VLR, I would still be as dumb and desperate. So a big thank you.

Sinclair and Huntsinger (2006) explain that the need to have a shared reality with others pushes stigmatized people to self-stereotype. As discussed in the previous section, many of our members develop self-views consistent with societal stereotypes, which results in

poor self-views. Similarly, Crocker and Garcia (2006) explain that stigmatized response to devaluation may lead to self-adjustment that involves conferring with the stereotypical belief.

They describe this strategy as detrimental to self-esteem and desired image. In this instance, people compel themselves to concur with the negative attributes associated with their character. They also explain that this conflict avoidance can result in withdrawal. Several of our members report how self rejection makes them withdraw from many consumption

experiences such as going to restaurants, exercising and shopping. This is the case of Georgia that explains how she refrains from buying a dress she likes due to the internalization of the stereotype that the overweight cannot be sexy.

I loved reading you, I understand what you are saying for the simple and good reason that I also went through this phase “ I love this dress” but I never dared because I thought that a fat could not be sexy. So I did not wear dresses until I turned 24 years!!

Many of our members report that the community helped them self accept through distancing themselves from the shared meanings and stereotypes. They explain that this self-acceptance instilled a desire to engage with consumption. These results are consistent with Crocker and Garcia’s (2006) argument that through contesting stereotypic beliefs and

affirming the desired image, the stigmatized manage to distance themselves from the negative beliefs held against them. The narrative of Sara offers a good testimony of this shift in

strategy that is fueled by the community. She explains how before VLR she conformed with the stereotype of “fat is not beautiful,” and hence disengaged from pursuing her desired image. She explains how the community helped her reject these stereotypes, self accept and seek again her desired image through consumption. She explains that the community helped her understand that “fat can be beautiful” which pushed her to start wearing colorful dresses.

Well, it has been maybe 5 years that I am registered in this forum without ever participating. I was in high school at the time and felt bad in my body, and had nobody to talk to. I got used to coming here reading messages that helped me a bit to bring perspective. Now that I think about it, I was only mildly overweight, really nothing serious.

Being the biggest, the only one without a boyfriend, all these little things with “no importance”, made me suffocate.

Then I started yoyo dieting, several diets, protein bars, these stupid things that made me reach weight 90 kg for 1m69, a weight that did

I come back here now because I just realized that curves are pretty.

Well it’s dumb, but I think that it’s important to say it. I dreamt about being slim, thin, getting rid of my belly and my thighs, looking like “a perfect” woman from Cosmopolitan. That otherwise I would not be able to wear dresses, that wearing tank tops in the summer meant showing my fat arms, among other things.

This did not happen overnight, but I started putting make up and doing my hair, finding myself pretty, avoiding matching black tunics and black pants. And instead wearing short flowery dresses. I started walking with my head high, daring low necks (not the whorish ones) and this summer I tried the bikini.

So yes, I am still curvier than all my friends, yes my belly is still flabby, but I feel much better.

I started exercising, not to lose weight but to firm up, it made me feel great, my skin became smooth. I started feeling mentally better and my body followed.

Now I weigh 72 kg and 1m69, I am still curvier than my friends and I am happy about it. I have hips, breasts a bottom and still my big stomach. I started to meet guys. Being curvy works as well.

I wanted to share all this because it’s here that I started self-accepting. Through reading messages of women that were curvier and that seemed to find themselves so much more attractive. I am thinking about those that come to this forum to find a solution to their ill being. The solution can only happen through you. It can take some time. But a smiling self-confident woman regardless of her size is attractive.

The challenge to the understanding goal also happens at the marketplace level. Many members report that the marketplace does not understand their consumption needs and does not offer products that fit their desire. We find that this lack of understanding makes many consumers avoid consumption. This is the case of Gwendolyne that has withdrawn from skiing as she could not find a ski outfit her size. She explains that she can only engage in skiing if she finds clothes her size. She turns to the community to help her find these items.

I wanted to know if there are overweight guys or girls that have already gone skiing despite their weight.

I am asking this question simply because after 20 years I may go skiing. It all depends on whether I will be able to find ski clothes my size.

As you are reading, I am finding nowhere ski clothes for overweight men or women. Most of the sizes stop at 54. I am size 58/60 in pants and I am unable to find them neither online nor in stores.

So if you have ideas, or know sewers that can help me or places where I can find something to wear for ski.

FYI I need to go on Jan 5th, 2013.

Thanks.

Similarly Anna reports how she gave up skiing as she could not find ski shoes that fit her calves.

As far as I am concerned my issue with skiing was not the clothes but the ski shoes… no boots fit me so I had to give up skiing because of this… it’s impossible to close the shoes because of my calves…

In this regard the community engages in understanding members regarding their challenge to explore the marketplace. Several members ask very specific questions to understand their needs. In the case of Gwendolyne described above, several community members inquired about her body type and showed her where to find her size and alternative possibilities. This enabled her to reengage with skiing.