Accepting the Rejected Self

In this section we analyze discourses pertaining to self-stigma. Through our data analysis, we were able to uncover that one of the key drivers of marketplace withdrawal is

self-rejection. When members engage in self-stigma they perceive themselves negatively. Thus, they move away from pursuing self-enhancement through consumption. Withdrawers have a high desire to achieve self-acceptance. However, many of them report that they find it difficult to change. Many lay out the suffering pertaining to their negative self image. One member described the situation as “self-torture”. They depict this pursuit as a long road that is filled with ups and downs. This is because stereotype encounter revives stigma and creates doubt. They report that they admire those who accept. They dream about being self-confident. One member reports living this failure to achieve this objective as a waste of her life. Hence, one of the primary objectives of members behind joining VLR, is to achieve this self-acceptance.

During our data analysis, we were able to observe that the community helps recover the lost self-confidence and reverses the process of self-rejection. Many report being able to

“make friends” with their bodies. These evolved from perceiving a badge of shame to a precious belonging that needs to be taken care of. The community teaches them to distance themselves from mainstream discourses and to reject stigma. During our data analysis, we have witnessed many members evolving from agreeing with the stereotypes and

discrimination, to perceiving them as an injustice. Believing that social reactions are unjust results in people distancing discrimination from their sense of self to protect their self-esteem (Corrigan & Watson, 2002). Member discourses help reframe individual self-evaluation as positive. The community reduces the negative beliefs that self-stigmatizers have about themselves. It helps members integrate positive self-views and reduces their perception of deviance. It bridges the gap between their feelings of abnormality and normality.

This section deconstruct some of the stigma elements identified in our literature review. It alters the labeling the stigmatized as not normals. The community includes many positive evaluation of overweight females. Also many of the community discourses include associations of the stigmatized with the normals. This section also deconstructs the process of stereotype experience and internaization previously identified. Through communal narratives members are able to achieve a better self-acceptance by collectively rejecting the stereotypes held against their group and declaring them as illegitimate.

a. Positively evaluating the stigmatized

The rejection experienced by our members is often fueled by a negative self-evaluation. Not only do they perceive themselves negatively, they also make negative attributions regarding how others perceive them. This overinterpretation makes them feel threatened in the social context. Our data analysis shows that the adversity of this negative self-evaluation depends on the extent to which the individual has adopted the stigma lens for evaluating themselves and others. In cases where the individual’s self-perception is highly stigma centric, he/she associates with stigma related negative attributes such as being a failure or ugly. Through our data analysis, we were able to notice that members who did that often overlooked other attributes of their personality, especially the positive ones. Also, these stigma centric people are highly likely to extend their negative self-evaluation to others, which increases feelings of threat from their environment. For example, many of them report feeling looked down on by store personnel or waiters in restaurants.

The community strives to reverse this frame of thinking through broadening the spectrum of self-evaluation. The group supports members in incorporating attributes that are not stigma related to their self-evaluation. They help members uncover the positive facets of their personality. This contributes in distancing members from stigma centric self-views.

Many discussions encourage members to be more objective in their self-evaluation. Our data is filled with accounts helping self-stigmatizers identify their positive attributes. This includes the physical and the personality related ones. The community also helps challenge members’

perception of others as stigmatizers. Several accounts contest others’ responsibility in the discussions about stigma experience. The group also discourages overgeneralization about others being stigmatizers. Also, several accounts challenge the stigmatized about their

perception of others. One example that illustrates this is the replies that Marie got when she posted a hopeless message about herself:

Reply 1

I might believe that YOU find yourself disproportionate, but this does not mean that others think the same thing. The way we perceive ourselves is often very different from others’ perception. You probably have many beautiful qualities that many would envy. For example, I find myself very disproportionate, I have a big belly and very small breasts. Well nothing terrible, I find. However, I have magnificent legs that many of my “thin” friends envy me for. So it’s up to you to have a better look at yourself and to remain objective.

Reply 2

I am sure that you are in the same situation; that there are many things that you are good at doing and people to whom you matter etc.

What one needs to do, is to gradually learn to live with oneself, and to accept oneself, whether it’s the body or the “intellect”. From your messages, one can immediately see that you are a sensitive person (the fact that so many people are replying to your message proves it!!) I am sure that you are a good person, that you care about others, and that you are full of qualities. And as other girls said, there is no reason for you to be this harsh on yourself. There must be many nice things about your body.

Once more, the spirit is tied to the body. It may seem futile to say, but you will see that being positive, open, smiling, will transform you! A little something to do: every night before you sleep, try to find at least 5 positive things about your day ( well, 3 to begin with if you want).

It’s dumb, but it feels so good if you carry it for at least one week.

Good luck, and feel free to reach out if you don’t feel well!!

Reply 3

Good evening! I am convinced that you are not as horrible! But it’s normal to feel bad when going through a rough patch… one thing that helps me quite well in these moments, is when I think of

something ugly about my body, I make myself find something good…

for example, I find that I have a huge and flabby stomach, but nice eyes. You see? Try it, It’s good for the mood! Good luck.

This positive evaluation also extends to consumption. Members are encouraged to post their pictures in outfits and to receive positive feedback from the community. Many of them are praised for the success in achieving a positive look. Several of our members report that

this practice helped improve their acceptance and their self confidence. Positive self-perception not only fosters self-acceptance but also puts a positive self-perception on marketplace interaction. For example, many members start perceiving shopping as “fun, playful,

experimental” and leading to a” great look” and being “good looking.”. This moves shopping from being a burden to an experience that could be a source of positive feelings. Anna says:

For fun I purchase basic clothes and accessorize them. I layer them. I add something extra when they are too classic. I mix colors. In fact, I am lucky not to have a strict dress code at work. I wouldn’t have liked that. You see, in one of the outfits of the day, I loved the poncho

“black with glitters and a t-shirt underneath. I don’t know if you can wear this at work? I can (Cool)! I think that you can dare many things because you are elegant! You are also tall! For example, I think you will good with a tweed cap. Maybe you don’t like it but I think it would be nice to try. Of course this is an example… Even at size 50 there are many things that could be done.

b. Associating the stigmatized with the normals

Consumers that have been subject to prejudice may become oversensitive to their stigma. This may lead to overinterpretation whereby stigma may be automatically linked with negative life events. For example, a member who has a hard time finding a job may attribute this event to stigma without looking at their skill level. Our data analysis shows that there are many instances where the community reevaluates prejudicial overweight related situations and associates them with normality. This helps members distance themselves from stigma.

For example, several members attribute their failure in finding a soul mate to their overweight body. In the following excerpt, Leila reflects on a TV show where she makes the point that everybody can be loved regardless of their physical flaws. She says:

Something that I heard on TV the other night that I found very

interesting: Think about your friends, your family, and the people that you love. Are they all perfect? Do they all have an amazing body? An impeccable nose? No pimples? Beautiful hair? Luscious lips, etc…

No? Do you nonetheless love them? Do the looks matter in your love for them?

In some cases, distancing also happens when members share an extreme lived experience. For example, Jeanne’s post advocates for disconnecting self-acceptance from

body size. She explains how even at size 38 she received negative comments about her body from others.

Many of us here had moments where we did not accept ourselves.

Often, part of what makes us feel bad about ourselves comes mainly from our lack of self-confidence but also from some truth. I notice that you say that you do not feel good in size 42. It sounds like” if I was size 38, I would feel good”. Nonetheless, I believe that it does not add up. And that most of all you are at an age where you are turning into an adult, finding out who you are, comparing yourself with others, etc. Accepting yourself can take some time, but when it happens it’s so relieving. Whether overweight or not. Maybe try to work on how you see yourself and the fact that you are too harsh.

Stop inflicting yourself violent criticism, the one that you once heard others say to you (in case this happened to you before). You know, even at size 38, I faced nasty criticism regarding my body. It hurts when we are out of balance. When the other comes and pushes you, even a little (even through a small glance) you fall painfully. Whereas if you stand straight you can find the strength to resist.

Similarly, several accounts discuss how regular sized consumers can also face challenging consumption situations. This is destigmatizing as consumers become aware that the consumption challenges they face are not stigma bound and can also be experienced by non stigma bearers. Antoinette explains:

I understand having the blues: when we don’t find anything, nothing thatfits us. We go back exhausted and empty-handed. It’s hard. But it happens even to people within the norm to come across clothes that are badly cut that enhance the saddle bags or that push the belly out, show the cellulite and make us feel disgusted about ourselves in the fitting room. It’s crazy how clothes can be badly made sometimes and the client pays the price. It’s not ok that the cut of the low boots hurts the leg this much. The leg is not the one to blame. Ok, it may fit 10 percent of the population, that has super slim legs and that are not hurt by a bad cut. But these are not the majority. As for the tight boots issue, even my sister that has good calves (not huge but fit) and who wears size 36 was stuck in many boots. Another bad cut, I find…”

c. Collectively rejecting the stereotypes

As discussed previously overweight consumers experience stereotypes when interacting with the marketplace. By accepting their stigma, they integrate the stereotypes held against them and consume in accordance with these stereotypes. This contributes to

sustaining their salience. Also, these social discourses, and the scarcity of marketplace offerings pushes many consumers to engage in self-restriction. For example, many of our members report giving up trying to be feminine and sexy. For example, many explain that they have moved away from consuming items that signal these identities such as dresses, skirts, heels, makeup etc. Instead, they adopted styles that are in line with the fat stereotypes since they were the most available. Many describe how they dress with baggy noncolorful garments, which are the styles most available in the big size sections.

This neutral style not only distances them from their desired identities but also causes them to sustain their marginalized status. For example, many of them describe this neutral dress style as making them look ugly, unattractive, fat and invisible. As they fail to achieve their desired identity, many overweight consumers report giving up looking for products that fulfill this identity and gradually in pursuing the identity itself.

The community helps members challenge the stigmatizing marketplace and the consumption associated with it. It encourages consumers to engage in consumption that is counter stereotypical as a way to destigmatize. For example, many participants advice others to stop wearing black clothes. They explain that these just reinforce the stereotypes. Andrea says:

Hello Ayla, No panic, you can totally dress like a goddess in size 46…

the first thing to do is to forget your habits from when you were size 40. This is so that your are not frustrated for not being able to wear some clothes nicely. Just tell yourself that different fashion

environments are opening up for you… I cannot give you much advice as I do not know your shape or your tastes, nor the color of your eyes, etc. However, here are some personal things that I progressively learned:

Do not be afraid of dresses, skirts, or all the feminine things because unlike common beliefs, Dresses suit big girls. One should just pick them right.

Proscribe the black large pants that make you look like a bag. Let me explain, we all have in our wardrobe a basic large black pants that we think makes us go unnoticed… however often, this large pants make us look like a bag. If you must wear black pants pick one that is tight at the bottom and above the knees (for example carrot or

cigarette pants) and wear something larger above.

Exchange you pants with leggings. It took me time before I wore leggings. I thought that it would not look good on me. However, they are miraculous. All you need is to wear your leggings with a nice dress or a tunic, with boots for example. Honestly it’s a killer.

Invest in a trench coat. It’s great! It structures the silhouette. And most of all, it looks good on everyone. And also if you pull up the

collar a bit in the back it immediately makes you look stylish. In addition, you can wear it with anything. With jeans (casual), with leggings and boots (trendy), with a nice dress (for a date), with black pants (for work).

Anyways, my killer outfit is a dress that sits above the knees (or a tunic), plus leggings, plus boots, plus a trench coat plus a scarf that has leopard prints (well that’s just me, I adore leopard….

I don’t know whether my advice can help, nor if everyone will agree.

All I am trying to say is that you can really have a blast shopping and even if your size is 46

By doing this, the community supports members in collectively rejecting the cultural stereotypes and portraying them as illegitimate. Achieving counterstereotypical identities not only helps distance them from stigma, but also fosters higher self confidence. This stigma rejection is a pillar of destigmatization. Rejecting stigma makes reactions that used to be perceived as justified start being perceived as unjustified (Corrigan & Watson, 2002).

Marianne’s account illustrates the positive results of this transition. She says:

Yes indeed, if this post did not exist, I would have created it! Indeed, I just realized that thanks to VLR, my relationship with clothes has changed. I just spent one week in Paris and I went shopping for two days and a half. This is not like me, or should I say was not like me.

Because now, I have enjoyed myself. Before, my clothes were functional and their main purpose was to hide me as much as possible. Now I enjoyed myself. I tried clothes, I opened up to new styles that I would have never dared before. Then since one year (That’s when I joined VLR) I often order by mail and treat myself.

Well it’s the idea of pleasure that is new. Before it was more like a burden because I had to wear something. Now I get compliments, I am becoming more feminine. Well, I am starting to work on myself. I was even about to buy a skirt on Monday in C&A but I am not there yet. I did not dare… I convinced myself that “it did not look good on me” like my best friend would say. It’s a thing that I often do but that now happens to me less often. Anyways, I buy clothes and I am having a blast and I think that it shows… Let’s talk about it next week, I am going to Newcastle and I am dedicating a whole day to the Metro Center! I think that I will treat myself. I will let you know.”

In this section, we aim to uncover how the community integrates the consumer back in the marketplace and how it contributes to destigmatisation. We identify the communal

practices that contribute to this marketplace engagement. These practices contribute to changing consumer perception about the marketplace and evaluating it as approachable.

These practices revolve around the marketplace, the community and the self. These are:

1. Positioning the marketplace as inclusive

a. Uncovering the stigma relevant marketplace

b. Reinterpreting the marketplace as an arena of success c. Extending the marketplace

2. Establishing communal superiority.

a. Integrating the isolated in the nonthreatening community b. Transferring the stigma expertise

c. Recovering the lost status of the stigmatized 3. Accepting the rejected self

a. Positively evaluating the stigmatized

b. Associating the stigmatized with the normals c. Collectively rejecting the stereotypes