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REFLECTIONS ON PRACTICE: “How will I die?”

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316 Volume 30, Issue 4, Fall 2020 • CanadIan onCology nursIng Journal reVue CanadIenne de soIns InFIrmIers en onCologIe

FEA TURES /Ch R o niq UES reFlectiONs ON PrActice

“How will I die?”

by Kalliopi (Kalli) Stilos

E

very illness brings some level of suf- fering. There comes a time in one’s disease trajectory where that suffering may become too great to bear. Canada made medical assistance in dying (MAiD) legal in June 2016. Yet, many patients I encounter experience stigma when they lean towards that option, either because of religious beliefs or family members’ opinions. I often hear patients tell me the thought of a pro- longed end-of-life experience, full of

suffering, is one that they want to spare their loved ones from. Making decisions about end of life is so personal and over- whelming when they come all at once.

Watching patients vacillate through the process can be thought-provoking for the healthcare provider involved.

I wrote the poem after witnessing a patient request MAiD and her two daughters expressing opposing views on the medical intervention. She was approved for the medical intervention, but then decided to wait a little lon- ger before proceeding. She carried on with palliative care for her symptom issues and a few months later she pro- ceeded with MAiD. It took her oppos- ing daughter time to get on board with MAiD. Her final moments were spent with her two daughters holding hands and embracing each other, all while sur- rounded by a room full of her favourite flowers.

How will I die?

I’ve seen so much death, I wonder how I will die.

Will it be Cancer, COPD, ALS, or a quick MI?

How frightening each one sounds.

I’ve seen them all and yet I can’t decide.

Each one with the same bleak outcome.

Now, Canadians have been given a choice.

MAiD.

Medical Assistance in Dying.

Giving you control, relief and a dignified way to die, if you qualify.

A process that’s swift and painless, that whisks away the fear of a prolonged

death.

How reassuring it sounds.

Will I exercise that right when my time comes?

Till then, I live with the unknown.

AutHOr NOte

Kalliopi (Kalli) Stilos, RN, MScN, CHPCN(C), Advance Practice Nurse for the Palliative Care Consult Team, Sunnybrook Health Science Centre, 2075 Bayview Avenue, Room H-337, Clinical Faculty, University of Toronto’s Lawrence Bloomberg Faculty of Nursing

Kalli.stilos@sunnybrook.ca

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